


so-so, lose control

by permutative



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Canon Compliant, Light Pining, M/M, Practice Kissing, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27516736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/permutative/pseuds/permutative
Summary: “Hyung,” Taehyun interrupts. He opens his eyes, dark and wanting, then says, as straightforward as always: “Can you show me how you did it?”Beomgyu blinks at him, unsure if he’d heard that correctly. “What?”“Can you teach me how to kiss?”
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 41
Kudos: 255
Collections: WIP OLYMPICS: WINTER 2020/21





	so-so, lose control

**Author's Note:**

> for context: jaeyun is beomgyu's friend from middle school, they were in a band together, jaeyun is now a member of too. i blame [these](https://twitter.com/translatingTXT/status/1326015441387593728) [tweets](https://twitter.com/yeonbinned/status/1326049460640641025) for the existence of this fic.
> 
> Перевод на русский/translation in russian can be found [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/10069956)

Taehyun corners him late at night, a couple days after the Blue Hour promotions end. Beomgyu’s lying on his bed scrolling through his phone idly, half about to go to sleep, when Taehyun closes the door behind him and asks, “So Jaeyun-hyung, hm?”

That’s the thing about idol life. There’s never quite enough time for a proper conversation, everything scattering around them like jigsaw pieces Beomgyu needs to join together by memory. Three weeks have passed since that damn After School Club episode, but still: Taehyun never forgets the small things, and Beomgyu hadn’t either. He had guessed that they’d talk about this at some point. 

Beomgyu crosses his arms. “What about Jaeyun?” he asks calmly. 

“You know what,” Taehyun returns. He seats himself on the side of Beomgyu’s bed, close enough to the end that Beomgyu’s outstretched legs don’t touch him. 

Beomgyu suppresses the urge to deliver a kick to Taehyun’s back. “You need to be more clear, Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu says, fond and teasing. It echoes Beomgyu’s response from the first time Taehyun came up to him, voice faltering as he had said _Beomgyu-hyung, I think I might like… I might like guys._

“He was _strong,_ ” Taehyun states, eyes dark and unreadable as he echoes almost verbatim what Beomgyu had said at the ASC filming. He turns his head away, back curving into a bit of a slouch. It’s uncharacteristic; normally Taehyun has such perfect posture. 

“He was the _singer_ in your band, and you’d go for coin karaoke _together._ ” Taehyun pauses, looking hesitant for a second, before continuing: “I’m not stupid, hyung.”

“I know you aren’t,” Beomgyu replies, a little weary. Sometimes Taehyun’s too smart for his own good. 

Taehyun turns to him, then, eyes bright. “He knew, didn’t he?” 

Beomgyu hesitates, even considers lying for a second, before settling on the truth. “Yes, he did.” He doesn’t add that it was Jaeyun who had inspired his gay crisis in the first place. 

“He’s like us,” Taehyun states, no uncertainty in his tone. “Isn’t he.”

Beomgyu swallows. “That isn’t—it isn’t my place to say.” He closes his eyes, remembering the polite awkwardness of greeting Jaeyun before and after the filming. Each one of Beomgyu’s actions had been backed by the knowledge that they had been their most naive, passionate selves with each other but were now just polite acquaintances at best. 

“Fine, then,” Taehyun concedes. He changes his tack, ever persistent. “But, hyung,” Taehyun shifts down the edge of the bed, moving so that he can lean closer and whisper in Beomgyu’s ear. They sit mere centimeters apart, Taehyun’s breath ghosting against his skin. “You told me you liked a boy in middle school.”

Beomgyu sighs. He had said that carelessly when Taehyun first came out to him, an off-hand remark that he didn’t realize Taehyun would care so much about at the time.

Now he knows Taehyun better, knows that Taehyun’ll hold onto every little detail and commit it to his memory. He’s always been greedy for the things he can never have. 

“Yes, I did,” Beomgyu replies, rolling his eyes. “Are you going to ask me a bunch of questions about it?”

“Are you going to let me?” Taehyun returns. He’s still leaning over to talk quietly into Beomgyu’s ear, his body twisted at a weird angle so that they don’t touch. A shy type of courtesy that he’d usually only reserve for talking to girls, but Beomgyu knows that this type of conversation makes Taehyun a bit more skittish than usual. It’s cute, really.

“Get down here, then,” Beomgyu demands, smiling despite himself. He grabs onto Taehyun’s shoulders and pulls him down, breaking that momentary fragility with their usual roughness. It would feel too vulnerable for Beomgyu to talk about this while Taehyun’s treating him like he’s made of glass. 

Taehyun settles onto the bed next to him. Now they’re facing each other, bodies like parallel lines, not touching but so close to each other that they might as well be.

“And be a little quieter,” Beomgyu adds. They hold still for a second, listening for sounds of the other member’s voices; like expected, Kai has dragged Soobin into watching some dumb movie with him, and he can hear Yeonjun’s voice in the mix as well. 

It shouldn’t be this secretive, just talking to each other like this, Beomgyu thinks. Then he remembers the way Taehyun had closed the door behind him while entering the room, and he shivers. 

“Okay, hyung,” Taehyun says in a loud whisper. “That person you had a crush on, did he like you back?”

It’s overwhelming how close they are to each other. Taehyun’s face is completely bare of makeup, tiny acne scars and chapped, bitten lips easy to notice from this distance. Beomgyu has spent so much time around the other members that looking at their faces provokes only apathy, but something about this feels different. Maybe it’s the naked anticipation on Taehyun’s face, all of that wistful longing bleeding through so clearly to him. 

Beomgyu cracks a smile. “I’m not the most romantic person in the group for nothing, Taehyun-ah,” he teases. He has to keep the conversation light-hearted, almost simple. Otherwise it’ll overwhelm them both. 

“Yah, _hyung,_ ” Taehyun says, almost a whine. His mouth is open in an incredulous laugh—his default expression while dealing with Beomgyu’s antics—and the sight of it brings Beomgyu some relief. Taehyun pokes his finger into Beomgyu’s chest. “ _You’re_ the one who said to be more straightforward.”

Beomgyu raises an eyebrow at him. “Using my words against me, hm?” 

Taehyun opens his mouth to protest, but Beomgyu beats him to the chase. “Yes,” he continues simply, reverting back to the previous topic. “He returned my feelings.” Taehyun’s eyes widen, as if just hearing those words aloud surprises him. 

Beomgyu remembers, quite suddenly, that he’s talking to the boy who had once said _I personally think the chances of your crush liking you back are very small_ on live broadcast. It makes sense for Taehyun to be a natural skeptic. 

“But how did you know that he liked boys?” Taehyun presses, fascinated. 

Beomgyu closes his eyes, trying to remember the exact details of it. In some ways those days seemed like a blur, everything before his trainee life deliberately faded to grey to stop him from lusting over what he can no longer have. Yet other things he can recall starkly, clearly, everything outlined with crisp edges. 

Taehyun shifts his leg a little so that it presses up against Beomgyu’s, knees and shins touching. Beomgyu opens his eyes, holding Taehyun’s gaze for a small, short second. 

“It was a lot less straightforward than when you told me,” Beomgyu admits. Fragments of memories pass by him: that golden afternoon in the practice rooms, the hazy sunlight filtering in through the window, the curve of Jaeyun’s smile as they shared the same pair of earbuds. “He showed me a Troye Sivan song.” Beomgyu wouldn’t be able to name the actual track itself, even if he heard it played on the radio, but he remembers the artist well enough. 

Taehyun's unimpressed. “Everyone likes Troye Sivan, though,” he points out, humming _my youth is yours_ under his breath. 

“Yeah, everyone likes Troye Sivan,” Beomgyu agrees easily. He nudges Taehyun’s foot with his own, letting his ankle slide between Taehyun’s legs: an interlocking jigsaw of some sorts. They’ve never fit together naturally, but they make it work. “But still, it was obvious.”

Beomgyu looks into Taehyun’s eyes, notices that unabashed curiosity shining bright. It cuts through his hazy memories like a lighthouse in the mist. 

“Sometimes you can just look at someone,” he continues, voice low and hushed, “and you’ll know.” That's how it had been with Taehyun, as well, when they first met as trainees. Beomgyu had taken one glance at Taehyun's blatant adoration towards Soobin, vulnerable and open to anyone who bothered to look, and he had known. 

Taehyun’s silent for a couple of moments, eyes darting away from Beomgyu’s face. “You liked him a lot, didn’t you.”

Beomgyu startles at that. “I was fifteen,” he replies, an answer in and of itself. He honestly doesn’t remember how much he felt, just continues spinning the story to keep the interest bright in Taehyun’s eyes. “Everything feels like life or death at that age.” He searches Taehyun’s face, waiting for a nod of understanding

Then again, Taehyun had been fourteen when he joined BigHit. Maybe he had already cast off that part of him, that foolish, reckless side, when he began training.

“What did it feel like,” Taehyun continues, voice soft and eyes dark with something Beomgyu can’t name. “Seeing him again?”

Beomgyu shrugs, a deliberate, flippant thing. “I don’t know,” he says. “Nice, I guess. A little awkward.” Beomgyu had been mostly indifferent. 

It was strange, really: Beomgyu had noticed the phantom emotions, the almost Pavlovian response of comfort he had to seeing Jaeyun’s face, but at the same time it seemed rehearsed, like the way Crown’s choreography would forever remain embedded in his body. In truth, Beomgyu doesn’t think he feels anything at all, besides the faint recognition that this was someone he had used to know and cared for in a way only a teenager could. In that wide-eyed, hungry way that Taehyun seems so desperate for right now. 

Taehyun’s silent for a couple more moments. “Do you miss him?” 

“Not really,” Beomgyu replies honestly. Taehyun relaxes, eyelashes fluttering, and Beomgyu allows himself a moment to take in that beauty that he had sworn himself immune to. His eyes silently caress the curve of Taehyun’s nose, lingering where Taehyun’s undercut meets the back of his neck. “Everything’s just so different now.”

“That makes sense,” Taehyun agrees. “Tell me,” he adds slowly. His eyes close, and he shifts his leg so that it’s hooked over Beomgyu’s. “Did you two ever go on a date?”

Beomgyu hums, pretending to think for a second. “Does sharing patbingsu and going for coin karaoke count?” Jaeyun used to listen to him singing at coin karaoke and tell him, voice eager and low, just how beautiful he sounded. Inevitably they’d end up making out in the dark, cramped booth, time marked by the amount of pocket change they could scrounge up. 

Taehyun presses closer to him, their arms brushing together now. “Did you ever,” Taehyun continues, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, “kiss him?”

Beomgyu looks over Taehyun’s peaceful, content expression, eyes still closed, and realizes what’s going on, what’s behind that wistfulness. Taehyun’s imagining that for himself, that dream of having a boyfriend with strong arms who can praise his voice. Beomgyu can’t help but want to indulge Taehyun's fantasy. 

“Yes, we did,” he replies in a hoarse whisper, feeling a little reckless. “You know how it is,” he adds casually, wanting to see how far Taehyun will let him take it. “We just couldn’t keep our hands—”

“Hyung,” Taehyun interrupts. He opens his eyes, dark and wanting, then says, as straightforward as always: “Hyung, can you show me how you did it?”

Beomgyu blinks at him, unsure if he’d heard that correctly. “ _What?_ ”

“Can you teach me how to kiss?” 

It’s just what Taehyun wants, Beomgyu thinks, pulse racing. Taehyun’s fantasy. He had planned it out well, choosing a time when he knew they’d be free and making sure the door stayed shut behind them. 

Beomgyu considers saying no, refusing the offer, but: Taehyun rarely needs anything from him anymore. Not like it had been when they were trainees, when he cared for Taehyun like a proper hyung would. 

“Fine,” Beomgyu replies eventually. It’s been years since he’s kissed anyone, and he wonders if it’ll show; his heart beats with hummingbird wings under his skin, nervous. 

Beomgyu shifts his gaze away from Taehyun’s eager eyes and begins to sit up on the bed. “Come here.”

“Where?” Taehyun asks, lifting his head up from where he had been resting on top of Beomgyu’s bed. He scrambles to sit up, as well, body angled so that he’s facing Beomgyu. 

“This is good,” Beomgyu says, one hand reaching out to steady Taehyun’s shoulder. He surveys their positions critically before moving closer. 

“You want this, right?” he asks, feeling a little self indulgent as he cups the side of Taehyun’s face. He strokes over Taehyun’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. 

Taehyun nods, eyes wide. Beomgyu can feel him vibrating underneath his fingers as he leans in for their first kiss. It’s a chaste, closed-mouthed thing; Taehyun frowns as they break away from each other. 

“That was,” Taehyun starts, looking bewildered and a little disappointed.

“He didn’t kiss me like _that,_ ” Beomgyu continues, rolling his eyes. He clears his throat. “Taehyun-ah, you need to relax.”

He skates his fingers across Taehyun’s jawline, thumb coming up to rest on the center of Taehyun’s chapped lower lip. It’s rough under Beomgyu’s finger, nothing like the smooth, pink smile Taehyun wears for the stage, shielded by lipgloss. 

Beomgyu remembers, with a shiver, the one time he had tried to poke Taehyun’s mouth while he had been napping, Taehyun snapping forward to try and bite at his finger. There’s none of that aggression here, just curiosity, as Beomgyu gently nudges Taehyun’s mouth open. 

“Relax,” Beomgyu reminds him. He leans forward to press their lips together again, hand sliding down to cup the back of Taehyun’s neck. 

And this—this is much better than the first time, Beomgyu thinks to himself, a little dazed as he licks into Taehyun’s mouth. Like puzzle pieces slotting together, like something that feels _right._ It isn’t hazy or golden; it’s real. He can feel Taehyun’s hands fluttering by his sides uselessly for a couple of seconds as he tries to figure out how to position himself.

“How—” Taehyun starts, voice quiet and lips just centimeters apart from Beomgyu’s. He’s fascinated, the same sort of abject concentration on his face that he shows while learning a new card trick or practicing choreography. 

“Here,” Beomgyu murmurs, moving so that he’s straddling Taehyun’s legs, knees bracketing his thighs. He brings Taehyun’s hands to rest behind his neck, then leans forward again, pressing open-mouthed kisses along the column of Taehyun’s throat. Taehyun’s hands skate down Beomgyu’s back, gentle, almost caring. 

Taehyun’s breath shakes, fingers tensing against Beomgyu’s shirt, and he lets out a soft whimper when Beomgyu licks a slow stripe down his neck. 

“Hyung, wait,” Taehyun breathes out, a hand coming up to trace feather-light lines against Beomgyu’s throat. It feels wispy, barely there, but it’s enough to make Beomgyu tremble. “I want to try.” 

That snaps Beomgyu out of it, making him realize exactly how far this has gone. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, feeling off-balance, for some reason. Is this what Taehyun had wanted? 

“Come on,” Taehyun urges softly. He tries to kiss Beomgyu’s neck but instead settles for pressing his lips to Beomgyu’s chest before backing away. 

“No, Taehyun-ah,” he says simply, shaking his head. Beomgyu’s fine with pleasing Taehyun, with teaching Taehyun all that he can, but there’s no use in Taehyun trying to give him something when it’ll never be what he really wants. 

Beomgyu has always been a romantic, and it just might be the end of him. 

He pulls away, carefully lifting Taehyun’s hands off of him. Then he clambers out of Taehyun’s lap, sitting beside him the way they had done before. They aren’t touching, but Beomgyu can still feel the imprints of Taehyun’s hands burning on his skin, invisible marks that’ll never feel the same. 

Taehyun stares back at Beomgyu, a dazed look on his face. His cheeks are flushed pink, lips slick with saliva; he’s irresistible. 

“I think that’s enough for today,” Beomgyu continues, avoiding eye contact. 

Taehyun blinks in surprise. “But hyung,” he replies, rubbing the back of his neck. “We were just getting started.”

“Didn’t you learn enough for today?” Beomgyu says, wincing at how harsh it comes out. He tries to reach for that familiar playfulness, that casual aggressiveness that comes along with teasing Taehyun, but it’s too late for that now. They’ve touched each other reverently, carefully, and there's no way to undo that. 

Taehyun shakes his head. “No,” he replies. “I want more, hyung.” His expression is careful and searching, almost precarious. It’s as if Taehyun’s standing on the precipice of something; one false step, and he’ll fall. 

But Beomgyu will never be able to give him those golden afternoons, will never be able to care for him with the recklessness of a first love. All Beomgyu can offer are the shadows of half-conjured memories, a fantasy that’s dissipating around them like smoke. In that sense, every step is a wrong one. 

Beomgyu shakes his head. “Not today,” he says. “I can’t do that.” Not ever, maybe, he thinks, the lie sitting cold in his chest. 

As he watches Taehyun’s face, Beomgyu can clearly pinpoint the moment he gives up. Something in Taehyun’s eyes shutters, just a little, that gleaming sparkle fading into something dark and dull.

“Thanks for the lesson,” Taehyun says finally, getting off the bed and turning to leave. The room feels empty without his warmth pressing against Beomgyu. 

Right as he’s about to shut the door behind him, Taehyun adds: “You’re a good teacher, hyung.”

And Taehyun is a fast learner, Beomgyu thinks, staring blankly at the closed door. Soon he’ll put all the pieces together and realize it makes an image he doesn’t want to see. He’ll understand how foolish it is to desire more, how selfish it is to strive towards something that they sing about every day but can never live through. Beomgyu dreads the day that Taehyun’ll pick up on how to hide his feelings from everyone, becoming someone that even he can’t read. 

Beomgyu’s the most romantic member; the essence of romance lies in foolishness. Even so, he knows enough to grasp that their story can only end in tragedy.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you thought in the comments TT___TT / tysm to rose for betaing & anna + jen for giving their opinions / [twt](http://twitter.com/storyboxed) \+ [cc](http://curiouscat.qa/axiomatic) \+ [more](https://permutative.dreamwidth.org/2602.html) [taegyu](https://listography.com/permutative/notes/taegyu_gifts_%E2%99%A1) [content](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=30172130&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&user_id=permutative)


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